Chapter 5.13: Moving home

Screenshot-3407We helped each other care for the babies during the first weeks – me, Myrtle and Tangerine. It was almost like we were a real family, even if we could never be just that. No real family is locked in a treatment centre and medicated on a schedule. But we were, we had to be, to not lose grasp of what was real and what was not.

Screenshot-3875Looking at the babies in their cribs made it bearable.

Petite is real, her tiny fingers are real and the happy gurgling sound she makes when she has just been fed is real. And Mars is real. His different cries are real. The loud, piercing and fierce cry when he’s hungry and the desperate cry when he wants comfort or closeness is real. My babies are real, and that is all that matters.

Screenshot-3421Tangerine watches how we provide for the babies and help us when we need it. I don’t know where she learned it, but she seems to know exactly how to be a mother, even though she’s never been one.

Screenshot-3876Myrtle, on the other hand, seems distant. She feeds the babies or change their diapers when asked but there is no spark of love in her eyes when she does it. Neither do she look at them with the same warmth as myself. I know it’s because she doesn’t want to attached. She knows that I will take them with me and leave the centre whereas she will have to stay. And I know it pains her. If I could, I would take her with me, but I know it won’t be possible. I know it because she has said so herself. She will never get out.

Screenshot-3868After a couple of months, Tangerine decided I was well enough to move back home with the twins. It came as a slap in the face even though I knew it was going to happen. It was scary and sad to leave the center, because it had become my safe haven and my home. Besides, moving back home meant I had to leave Myrtle behind and that was not something I had looked forward to.

Nontheless, it was exciting to bring the babies back to my old home.

I had redecorated my old bedroom to fit both of their cribs. Since I had now realized that Sonic needed no bed to sleep in, I had got rid of it and instead placed the mirror and the chess table where his bed used to be. The cribs, in their turn, were placed by the overlook to the ground floor. That way, I would hear them clearly even if I went downstairs when they slept. It would be a good arrangement, I was sure.

Screenshot-3874Screenshot-3869Mom and dad was a great help during the first time back at home. Not only did they help me to feed the babies and put them to sleep, they also helped me to not lose my mind when I was struck with sadness due to Myrtle’s absence. If it weren’t for my parents, I never would have overcome that initial barrier to an independent life outside of the center. It made me happy to see my babies with my parents too, because it reminded me of what family was, and why it was important.

Screenshot-3871Froly aged up shortly after my returning home, and not long after did he move out. It wasn’t surprising because Mars screamed all the time and there were few nights when anyone in the house could sleep through his cries. And just like that, all of my siblings had grown big and moved out to live their own lives. I couldn’t even imagine how that felt for mom and dad. I couldn’t even picture the twins moving away from me to form their own lives, and that was exactly what had just happened to mom and dad.

Petite and Mars probably reminded my parents of a far gone time, and I think it was partly because of that they were so eager to help me. That, and the fact that they were the kindest and most caring people I had ever met, of course.

Screenshot-3878Life proceeded, even if Myrtle was stuck at the center. I felt awkwardly lonely at times and I realized that except for Sonic and Myrtle, I had never really had any friends. I still had no friends except my family. Mom suggested that I could invite someone from work to join us for dinner, but they all thought I was crazy after everything that had happened. Dad suggested that I got myself a hobby, and I decided to start playing ranked chess games. It wasn’t exactly a way of gaining friends, but it was a way to keep myself occupied and in company of others.

That, along with my work as a paper boy, the twins and my family kept me busy for quite some time.

Screenshot-3881I had been living at home for a few months and I was slowly getting accustomed to it when tragedy struck at our home. I was in the livingroom when I heard mom gasp in shock up in the bedroom. The pure sound of her breath gave me goosebumps.

Something had happened.

Something terrible.

Screenshot-3884I raced up  the stairs, two steps at a time. It took me less than 15 seconds to get up there, but on the way several scenarios of what could have happened rushed through my head. Petite had stopped breathing. Mars had fallen out of the crib. Petite had crushed all of the family photos. Mars was choking on a button from his teddybear. One scenario was worse than the other.

However, none of the scenarios that rushed through my head was as bad as the one that actually happened. I put my hands before my mouth at the sight, as if that would silence the cry that came from my mouth.

Screenshot-3879 Screenshot-3880Before our eyes, dad was dying.

It was easy to see how life slowly left him and was replaced by nothing. It must have happened fast, but it felt as an eternity before dad ceased to be. I cried, out of grief and loss and pain whereas mom was quiet. She didn’t cry, but the loss and pain was evident in her eyes.

I sat down on the floor and memories of adventures with my father passed before me. There would be no more memories. These were all I had, and all that I would ever get. At that time, I couldn’t understand how I would ever be able to continue my life. Dad had always been there for me, and now he wouldn’t be anymore. There were so many things yet to encounter, so many more things we should have been able to do together.

Screenshot-3887Dad wouldn’t be there on the twins’ birthday. He wouldn’t teach them how to ride their bikes. He wouldn’t get to see them graduate or to go through their first love or first heartbreak. He wouldn’t be there when my siblings had their babies.

He wouldn’t be there when I married Myrtle.

I had never thought about marriage before, but when I thought about the things dad wouldn’t be there for, my marriage with Myrtle was one of them. And it was the most painful thing of them all. I would get married one day, and dad wouldn’t be there.

Screenshot-3889I cried for a long time while mom stood silent. Eventually, she started crying too. Perhaps it took her some time to understand that it was true. That dad was gone. When she finally broke in to tears, she sniffled a pained and sad “He’s gone”.

Life would go on somehow. We both knew that. Life had to go on, so it would. But we also knew that it would never be the same again. Dad had left a hole in our hearts and our lives that could never be filled with anything else. Eventually we would learn to cope with it, but for now we would do the only things that made sense. We would cry and mourn. We would wish that things were different and that dad would have gotten a few more days. We would be sure that we could never be healed. We would go over every memory we had of him. And we would honor his memory as best as we could. We would keep loving him even if he had ceased to be. We would do all of that, because it was the only things we could do.

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6 Comments

  1. Awww, poor Berrian! 😦 I’m dying to seen the twins’ coloring!

    Reply
  2. Aww, what a sad way to end a chapter! RIP Berrian. 😦

    Wow, Yew is contemplating marriage to Myrtle? I wonder how that would work out, especially since she said she was never leaving the center?

    It was great that he finally got to go back home and spend time with his family, especially since it ended up being the last little bit of his Dad’s life.

    Reply
  3. Wow such a great chapter. I feel so sad for Yew. He’s having such a hard go. I actually pictured Myrtle dying in the hospital when she said she wouldn’t be around in the future. I love that each of the twins have a different skin colour as well. Poor Berrian RIP. Can’t wait for another chapter.

    Reply
    • Yew has definitely not had the easiest life so far. It will get better, eventually. It’s just going to take some time.

      Reply
  4. Oh no, Yew. That’s sad when a parent dies, and also sad that he thought about marrying Myrtle since she said she’s always going to be in the center. I hope he can make some friends somewhere.

    Reply
  5. Oh… Berrian =(

    Reply

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