Chapter 1.8: Worries

“Ugh, stop the car!” I demanded and Minsk instantly pulled in to the side. He had barely stopped the car before I slammed the door open and threw myself out. I spilled the contents of my gut on the grass and wiped the sweat and leftover spews off with the back of my hand before I climbed back up in the truck.

“Sorry about that” I said, filled with shame. Not because I had thrown up, but because he had seen it.

“Are you alright?” Minsk asked worried. I refused to answer the question, because it must have been quite clear that I wasn’t.

“Just start the car, okay?” I said, remarkably annoyed over the fact that we were standing still because of me.

“You might wanna go check that, it’s been going on for some time now. Might be serious, you know?” Minsk probably meant well, even though I knew he was still annoyed by my white presence in the fire department. But check it up? Not really necesserary since I knew very well what it was. Not that I was going to tell him that, though. “Mhmm” I grunted in response, just to respond something.

Something serious? That was exactly what it was. Very serious, actually. So serious that I didn’t even know myself how to react to it. Pregnant? I had never even considered the option. Why would I? Being white and all..?

It scared me to death. Not so much the becoming a mother part, but the possibilty that this child inherited any of my white genes. I know they said it’s impossible, because my whiteness depends on mutations that won’t transfer, but it still scared me. As far as I knew, a white woman had never been pregnant before. There had never been any men interested in breeding on failures. Not the other way around either, for that matter.

“Drover…” I begun, voice only just able to make any sound at all.

“Yes hun” he replied, just as merrily as ever.

“Oh nevermind…” I couldn’t get myself to tell him. It wasn’t that I didn’t think he would approve or be happy. It was the opposite. I was afraid that he would indeed be happy and want to start planning a future with me. And he shouldn’t need to. I loved him too much to let him endure that.

Since Flax and our party Whites lost the election things had become even tougher for colorless. It had most likely been a reaction to the growing support of colorless’ that made Mayor Bloom decide to push even harder against colorless. His first change in law had been that we were no longer allowed to get married. Nor was colorless children allowed in public schools, instead he had started a special school for those colorless kids. Some people even thought it sounded good, but we saw through it. We realized that it wasn’t to protect us (as the supporters said) but rather the opposite. To seclude us.

How could I ever expect Drover to go through that?

“Don’t give me that” Drover said, obviously understanding that I did have something important to say. “Don’t scare me like this Mallow. Now you have me thinking it’s something serious!”

There it was again, the word! Serious.

“It is serious” I whispered, burying my face in my hands.

“What is it Mallow?”

I took a deep breath before deciding to just tell him, “I think I’m pregnant.”

“Pregnant?” Drover’s eyes shut wide open and it felt like a lifetime passed until he continued, “That’s wonderful!”

Yep, just the reaction I was scared of. I shut down my system when Drover started talking about us and the future, about the happy family we would be. I just couldn’t listen and it made me sad that I couldn’t share my fears of white genes with him. He wouldn’t understand, he just thought that this baby would be perfect. But I knew that even if we thought it was perfect even though it was white, most people would disagree.

“So, Pixie” I started just as she spun her attackers, shooting the little white plastic ball down my goal for the seventh time this game. “It seems as I’m pregnant”.

“Really?!” her happiness was pure and honest. “That’s lovely news, honey.”

I picked the ball up and placed it on the game board again and spun my middle row of players to start the game up again. I couldn’t take my eyes off the game because I didn’t want to let Pixie see the fear in my eyes. I didn’t consider the fact that Pixie knew me well enough to tell I wasn’t happy anyway.

“You’re not happy about it” she said. It wasn’t a question, just a matter of fact. “Why?”

“What if it’s white?” I worried and right after I poured my every worry and my worst fears out in front of my best friend. She provided as much comfort as she could, not that there was much to be said. It was as it was.

“You know” she said after a while and paused a moment in thoughts. “It might not actually be white, it could be true what they say. It might be all yellow. Or maybe blue or red, I mean because of your parents.”

“Maybe” I replied, still not convinced that this pregnancy wasn’t a curse. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be a mother, I had resigned myself to the idea already. But I knew what it was like growing up as a colorless berry and, for the love of the great, why would I want anyone else to go through that? It was even worse now. If this baby came out white, it wouldn’t even get to go to public school. It would be really pushed away from society, always forced to hide and not mix with colorful. It was a disgusting thought.

“You have to tell Drover about your worries, he deserves to know” Pixie demanded before I left that day. I knew she was right. But it was just so hard. He was so happy about this, I didn’t want to cloud his sky.

“But, it won’t be white, that’s impossible!” Drover said and hung on to what had been the truth for pretty much forever.

“Yea right. And colorless berries are failures and mutations and monsters!” I complained, trying the grumpy way to reason with him. I wanted to prove that the truth was very much in the observer’s eye and that the truth Fondant Fields knew, was far from the actual truth. I was no failure.

“But…” Drover started again but fell in to silence again. I sighed and felt tears burning in my eyes, I wasn’t sure if Drover would understand the importance of my feelings, I didn’t know if he was with Whites enough for this.

“If it does come out white, it won’t matter” he suddenly said and I looked at him confused and angry.

“Won’t matter?! It sure as Berry will matter ’cause everyone will hate it and then it’ll be bullied and before we know it, it’ll hate itself!” Pregnancy hormones made everything ten times worse and I was crying when I had finished the last sentence.

“Not everyone will hate it Mallow. And by the time it’s old enough for school and stuff Flax will be the mayor in town and we won’t have to worry. Besides I will love it with every little particle of my body, and so will Pixie and Flax.”

“And I” I sniffed.

“And that might just be enough” he finished.

The last few weeks before the pregnacy I was the same worrying mess again. I would go in to the nursery and just look around at all the yellow and white furniture in there. Drover had insisted that we kept white in the room even though that was what scared me the most. I didn’t want my baby to endour the disadvantages of being colorless.

“I promise to love you whatever color you are, little one” I said comforting and stroke my belly gently. I felt a respons in the form of a kick against my hands and I smiled. I knew we would love every bit of it, no matter what color it was.

Just moments later I started crying. It didn’t matter that we would love it. Not if it was born white. A baby needed support and it needed to be able to go to school and have friends and if this little one came out white it wouldn’t get those chances. I cursed myself for taking the risk.

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8 Comments

  1. Poor Mallow. Things seemed to be going so well and now it seems they have a “separate but equal” law to contend with so its natural she’s worried for the baby. Well written as always Fru!

    Reply
  2. I have to know what the baby looks like. I’m so scared. In a way, I hope it’s not white, but at the same time I REALLY hope it gets some white genes.
    Great chapter, I love your legacy to bits!

    Reply
  3. I’m really conflicted here. I want the baby to come out with white parts, but at the same time I really hope it doesn’t… seeing how Mallow has a point. Unless something really drastic happens before it is big enought to go to school, it’ll get bullied just like Mallow…
    Great chapter! You described her worries so well, it was like I was inside of her mind ^^

    Reply
  4. I hope things go well with the baby… Im kind of curious as to what it will look like. 🙂

    Reply
  5. These berries are pretty nasty, with their discrimination and color laws. I don’t blame Marsh for being afraid to have a white baby in their world. They seem really horrible.
    But I am glad she has the support of her friends and Drover.

    Reply
  6. My heart is breaking for poor Mallow. It’s awful that berries (and people) can be so terrible.

    Reply

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